My Idea of Mr. Eureka

Someone commented on a recent post that they were happy my work stories were back, but where were the so-called "love life" updates? You haven't heard about any of that in a while! Well, that my devoted (probably now reduced to) 4 and a half readers is because my so-called "love life" has been non-existent as of late (apart from the regular sketchy boys who seem to sniff out my disdain for them and consider it invitation to hound me but that's a whole other post). There are no interesting men out there at the moment.

Boys, please take note my use of the word men. Strategic use.

This afternoon Cheb Khaled and I were discussing the fact that my difficult and ice queen personality would mean I require a saint of a man to put up with me. According to Cheb Khaled, I need someone who will know how to push the right buttons to make me cute and cuddly. I did not realize cute and cuddly could be part of my being. Apparently, the right person can bring this incredibly well-hidden aspect out of me. He would also need to be a gazzillliioonnn years older than me to make me seem immature in comparison, because I am too logical (in the male sense) to get riled up the way men seem to like. I am, in conclusion, boring because my thought process is too masculine. Who'da thunk it?

Cheb Khaled should start a blog just to write a post about this topic. He has interesting insights into the male-female relationship/dynamic.

However, in my defense, my friendship with Cheb Khaled brings out a more laid back Eureka because we think the same so there is little room for arguments. Granted, I enjoy yelling at him when he does something stupid, but that's what friends are for, right?

I don't think what I ask for in men is unreasonable. I'm not asking for a Johnny Depp for my Ginnifer Goodwin. I'm not deluded. I ask for an equal. I respect myself enough to know who and what I am. Therefore, I deserve someone I feel measures up to me in my eyes. What I look for is simple and to continue with my recent list trend, here are some of the things I'm asking for:

1. Intelligence
2. Ambition
3. Maturity
4. Shared religious beliefs (i.e.: Christian but not a fanatic)
5. A lust for learning
6. A sense of humour compatible with my sarcasm
7. Understanding (because I am too quirky for the Egyptian population)
8. Patience (because I am am too quirky for the Egyptian population)
9. And this one may be a cliche, but he should ideally love me a little more than I love him because otherwise, he won't put up with me and my English-speaking, newfangled women's equality believing, I am not your servant acting ways.

Ideally, he should be good looking but that isn't necessarily high on my list. I think this list is shared by women universally. We aren't saying all men must be cut from the same cloth. We are not saying you all need to be Prince Charming or a Sir Lancelot or some other Disney hero. We just don't want to come home to an unkempt, unmotivated dimbulb who expects us to serve his every whim. That isn't what a relationship should be based on.

Unfortunately, this last bit is the problem (in my circles in Cairo, at least). All a guy believes he needs to be is rich and semi-good looking; nothing else seems to factor in. So as a result, most boys I know are now extremely metrosexual, obsessed with material possessions, are "working" for Daddy and have zero functioning brain cells. Cheb Khaled is now the exception rather than the rule. This is a sad state for my generation to be in, and it is just as bad - if not worse - in Bloft's age-group.

Maybe we just haven't met the right social circle, but in a society as small as ours in Cairo, it's hard to miss people.

So boys, man up. You'll be surprised at how many women would agree with the general gist of this post.

How To Transfer Contacts From a Broken Nokia to a Blackberry for Maccies

My mum has jumped on the Blackberry bandwagon after years of blind devotion to Nokia. As usual, she came to the only child she's got who is forced - I mean willing - to transfer her contacts from any old phone to any new phone. Usually, this is a simple process for me as it is always between Nokia's which share a desktop platform. With a Blackberry, this is a whole other story. After a solid three hours, I managed to figure it out. To save you all the trouble, I will list the steps necessary to make the switcheroo.

Three things to note:

1. This should, in theory, work for anyone switching from Nokia to any other make/smartphone.
2. You need to be using a Mac for the transfer, but a PC for Nokia PC Suite.
3. The simple way to do this is to use iSync. But my mother had conveniently broken her Nokia's screen making it impossible to switch its bluetooth on. iSync requires a bluetooth connection to work. Hence, the long-ass dilemma/methodology.

Prior to beginning you need to download the Nokia PC Suite and ensure your busted Nokia is connected via usb. You also need to download the Blackberry Desktop Manager on your Mac. The steps are as follows:

1. Select the Contacts icon on Nokia PC Suite. This will bring up your phone's address book. Ctrl-A to select all.
2. Go to File and hit export as a text document, not .csv. Your Mac will be unable to properly transfer a .csv file.
3. Save the text file with all your contacts on your Mac.
4. Open the file and make sure all the names and corresponding phone number is on the same line. Remove the First/Last Name and type of number (mobile, home, etc...) reference for all except for the last name on the list.
5. Open your Mac's Address Book, select File and Import the text file of your contacts.
6. Ensure that the names and numbers are correctly identified by the address book for the first name. These settings will apply to all other names on the list. Untick ignore first vCard.
7. Accept the Import transfer.
8. Voila, your Contacts are saved to your Mac's Address Book. Adjust any format/information you want to edit using Address Book.
9. Connect your Blackberry to your Mac via usb and open Blackberry Desktop Manager.
10. Sync Contacts using the Contacts tab (select the 'Two Way' open and hit the green Sync button).
11. Wait patiently as your Contacts are synced between the Address Book and the Blackberry. This could take a few minutes. Do not assume it has frozen and pull your phone out of the usb. Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups.
12. Once the sync is complete you can take your phone out of the usb. Double check the Blackberry's phonebook - all your contacts should be there.
13. Toss your busted Nokia in the trash and never look back.

And that's it! Pretty simple process if you follow these steps. The only issue you may face is getting the contacts listed correctly on the text file for the Mac Address Book to read. That my friends sadly requires some trial and error on your part. Aside from that bit, it should be smooth sailing.

Chemical Poo Survival Guide

About a year ago our entire corporate team was restructured wherein we all report to one Boss Man. Mr. Boss Man of 2007-2008 was replaced for us all in January 2009 by the prissiest of all Mr. Boss Men at the company. Old Mr. Boss Man was relocated to become CFO of some subsidiary and everyone in my department was moved under New Bratty Mr. Boss Man. This was inevitable for me regardless as I had been shuffled to work for both his and my old department hence the company joker/bitch/Pranjib/slave/shit-shoveler/whathaveyou moniker.

With a boss like New Constantly PMSing Mr. Boss Man, you need to quickly learn a set of essential rules for survival. These include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. If you have not already done so after living in the mean city of Cairo, develop a thick skin very quickly
2. When Mr. Boss Man barks, zone out
3. When Mr. Boss Man starts speaking for large blocks of time about a vague 'vision' or 'message', zone out
4. When Mr. Boss Man says he wants an "Investment Banking" style presentation, that is code for make it incoherently complicated while fitting everything in pretty boxes
5. Lean the To Do List hierarchy: a) When Mr. Boss Man calls your desk to tell you to do something, this is not important; b)When Mr. Boss Man sends you an email to tell you to do something, this is more important than a phone call; c) When Mr. Boss Man calls you up to his office to tell you to do something (this is invariably at 5:00 pm when you are packing your bag in a hurry and impatiently waiting for your laptop to shutdown), then, well... Fuck.
6. Find ways of getting Xanax into his coffee without him noticing. This will allow you time to go have a long lunch
7. When Mr. Boss Man is PMSing (because men PMS, too - although his is nearly constant), this means he has not has sex recently. Either get him laid or get him drunk enough to think he got laid. The latter is easier than it sounds - spike his coffee with Midol and hard liquor
8. Every night, pray that Mr. Boss Man gets remarried. If you can, have everyone at your church/mosque/synagogue pray with you. God is more likely to hear you in numbers
9. Finds ways of sending Mr. Boss Man across the Atlantic. Soliciting meetings with large funds or Investment Bank conferences does the trick. The time difference makes it virtually impossible for him to catch you
10. When in doubt, claim to not know. You did not receive the incriminating email, were not working on that project, or did not see that slide. IT WASN'T ME! Then promptly suggest another person higher up in the hierarchy to blame
11. Make sure you send emails late at night about once a week. Even if it's completed during the day, send it just before you go to bed. This makes it seem like you're working harder than you are. Same goes for weekend emails

This list will be updated periodically when new and improved Dealing With The Boss Man Methodologies are developed. Suggestions are welcome. Stay tuned.