Friday, April 4, 2008


Q: Eurekaisms? Huh?

Eureka is a nickname Roonies – or Nesticleez, depending on whose version you wish to believe – bestowed upon me during an all-nighter pulled leading up to 25th September, 2005. Nesticleez may or may not have nicknamed me Eureka 2 weeks prior to Roonies’ all-nighter. Roonies was writing a paper and demanded I stay up to keep her alert(ish) as she wrote. I did because I am a good friend. Also a pussy. Because Roonies throws a mighty left uppercut when you least expect it. And she holds a grudge. Not a good combination.

Eureka was deemed appropriate because a) it is a play on my prenom; b) it describes my encyclopaedic powers of recalling the most useless random bits of general knowledge in the world. Like that fact that if you have the entire population of China march past you, the line would never end because of the nation’s rate of reproduction. Yup. I’m full of this stuff. Hooray, everybody.

-isms was tagged on because it denotes the fact that these are thoughts spewed by me and are unique (yeah, right) to me. MINE MINE MINE MINE. And because that way people will sense the borderline crazupidity they are about to read. Take it as a built-in disclaimer and leave it alone.

Q: What’s with the orange in every theme you’ve picked?

Orange is my favourite colour. My room is orange. I painted it myself (meaning my mother did the work and I sat on the floor and doodled on the walls when she wasn’t looking). My duvet cover is orange. Different shades. So is my pillowcase. They’re a set. From Ikea. We don’t have Ikea in Egypt. That makes my bed special.

Q: You’re from Egypt? You have internet in Egypt? I thought you lived in pyramids. Do you ride a camel to work?

Yes we have internet in Egypt. We can access TV too using the antenna attached to the middle pyramid’s top where the golden cap used to be. After the ancient thieves stole all the gold they left a little access hole on top so we can all access stolen cable. Sadly no, I don’t take a camel to work. Daddy traded them in for Jaguars. X-types. They’re more economical than camels. And safer. Camels spit.

Q: But you’re from Egypt

Sorry to bust your bubble love.

Q: Are you an honest-to-goodness pure-blood Egyptian? Like Cleopatra? With a barge and big burly man slaves carrying you around everywhere?

No, I’m a walking U.N. Really long story, but to cut it short: on my mother’s side there is Egyptian, Turkish, Italian and Greek blood. On my father’s side there is Romanian, Yugoslav, Lebanese, Syrian, Russian and British blood. I was born in Phoenix, Arizona on January 8th, 1987. My siblings were born in Montreal, Quebec. We moved from Arizona to Long Island, NY when I was 2, and soon after the crash of 1989 happened so Daddy packed up and moved us back to Cairo. We have resided here since.

I do not have big burly men carrying me around but I do have not-so-burly men as slaves. They are my network of men who drive me wherever I want to go when my driver is busy with my mother's endless errands. Or my sister's social life. Or my brother's golf. See why I need slaves on the side?

Q: I don't believe you. You're a liar.

Why? What's so hard to believe?

Q: I thought I was asking the questions here.

Ask away then.

Q: If you’re Egyptian how do you speak English?

I was educated by the British. Which is why I spell the way I do. The correct way. We have private schools in Egypt from all over the world, stocked with foreigners. I then went to the American University in Cairo where I majored in Political Science because I excel at bullshit. And minored in English Literature because I like to make my bullshit sound pretty.

Q: Do you really have all those illnesses you keep complaining about?

No I’m a hypochondriac. I make it up because I seek attention and require the assistance of a mental healthcare professional. I spend hours and hours researching all the possible symptoms I can pretend to have in order to sound convincing when I blog about them. And I bribed a bunch of the world's leading experts in FMF to fake my blood work to convince my parents that I wasn't crazy. Which is why I am not blogging from some remote cabin in an asylum in Wichita.

Q: Are you stalkable elsewhere?

I am spineless and am back on Facebook. Do a little dabbling and you’re bound to find me. I'm also on Twitter as you can plainly see in the Grunts sidebar. Please feel free to email me at; I’d love to hear from you! Please don’t hate me if I take forever to reply – I am not ignoring you. I just am not used to getting any mail on that address because no one reads this blog. So I don’t check on a daily basis because I just depress myself when there is no new mail. If you do email I will make you my new best friend!

Q: Why did you start a blog?

Because I was bored at work. But I plan to rarely – if ever – write about work because I do not want to get dooced for the life of me. I like my job. That is a lie. I like the pay check I receive at the end of each month from this job. The job itself could use some tweaking. Don’t get me started.

Q: OK, won’t. So what do you do?

I’m a … HEY! You almost got me there. Asswipe.

Q: Bitch.

I love you, too :)


Feshfesh said...

ssshhhhh!... they don't need to know we have internet and cable! It could hurt the tourism industry you know?

Nesticleez said...

"Like that fact that if you have the entire population of China march past you, the line would never end because of the nation’s rate of reproduction."

That used to be the fun fact I would spout out all the time! And if e-mailing you is all it takes to be your best friend, sign me up (and send e-mails from my account...)!

P.S. I totally coined Eureka. Shove it Roonies.

Jade said...

You reminded me... growing up in Canada we used to get that all the time "Wow - it must be hard living in the desert, do you visit your grandparents in their little pyramids on camels?"


Eureka said...

Hahaha Jade: I first heard that sort of comment in Vegas 6 years ago. The dealer was shocked that my dad knew how to play Blackjack. I had fun coming up with witty retorts. I had plenty. None of which were witty.

Fesh: I think it is time to begin to "show" some advancements. It might attract more tourism if people know they can still check their Facebook profiles in Egypt.

Nesticleez: what are you smoking, I talk to you more often than I talk to my own mother. And you did coin Eureka. I'm just afraid of the wrath of Roonies. So we'll just let that slide for her sake.

To everyone else: feel free to send in more questions! I'll be updating the FAQ periodically, so fresh ideas are highly appreciated!

roonies said...

Nes, you fag. it was I who came up with Eureka. you hadn't even met eurok at the time that i was writing that paper. I, emphasis on I, was up and she was inspiring me to write things so I changed my nickname to "eureka is the fairydust of muses." i remember it. vividly. so you shove it. shove it twice. and then love it, and then dance around a bucket.

Nesticleez said...

so much isn't becoming. i totally made it up based on the CLASSIC 'eureka's castle' kids tv show. you would know if you were american...

roonies said...

you didn't even know erika until five seconds ago. i invented that nickname way way way before you ever knew her.

roonies said...

oh, plus the fact that, you're not american at all. you're just a smelly egyptian, nesticles.

Anonymous said...

so the part about deleting your profile from facebook is no longer applicable

Eureka said...

Well caught, my anonymous friend! Will update now :)

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