FMF, in a Nutshell

As I have spent a good portion of my life explaining the inanities of FMF, here, once and for all, is allyouwouldeverwanttoknowbutaretoolazytoGoogle about one of biology's more pointless disorders, whose sole purpose is to drive its sufferers to the brink of suicide, hallucinations, and the fourth dimension, but never pushes the poor sufferer over the brink. Yes, not only is it tortuous, it is a total tease, too (check out that alliteration. I'm so good I amaze myself).

Thinking caps on? All the medical jargon learnt from Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy and the like in check? Good. Moving swiftly on.

Familial Mediterranean Fever is a genetic mutation (and thus hereditary, d'oh) affecting ethnicities originating from the Mediterranean Basin (hence, the name. Doctors can be so original). It is prominent in Armenians, Turks, Arabs, and Sephardic Jews (and just so they don't feel left out, Ashkenazi's are also susceptible, but to a lesser extent).

Now that we know who gets it, what exactly is it?

There are seven types of attacks, all causing immense pain and fevers, which in my case tend to be high. Yours truly tends to get the first three.

1. Chest attacks, where the pleural lining (your rib cage muscles) and the pericardium (sac holding the heart) become inflamed. I used to get this one exclusively as a child, until I developed 2 and 3 in my early teens. (Affects 40% of patients)
2. Abdominal attacks, which basically inflate my entire abdomen like a balloon and often can be misdiagnosed as appendicitis. I had mine taken out years ago because of this. But Egyptians who like to pretend to be doctors claim I should get my appendix taken out again. And again. And yet again. (Affects 95% of patients).
3. Joint attacks, where the joints become sore and inflamed to the point where you can't move them. My left knee has attained volleyball proportions. (Affects 75% of patients).
4. Rash.
5. General overall muscle pain (Myalgia).
6. Inflammation of the scrotum (umm, yeah, because I have one of those).
7. Fever without any symptoms.

Now all of these are inconvenient, but totally benign. The real Jaws theme moment is what follows:

Chronic renal failure.

Beethoven's Fifth plays menacingly here.

This is invited by the secretion and buildup of amyloid protein in the kidneys, as well as heart, intestines, etc… caused by AA-Amyloidosis.

So yeah I have solid proteins cementing inside my vital organs. Fun, yeah?

This is where Colchicine works its magic. Colchicine is like a wonderdrug because not only does it prevent amyloidosis from occurring, it also helps reduce the quantity of attacks.

Side affects include hair loss, fetal death (note to self: do not take while pregnant to save child, and suffer nine months of attacks where you will freak out thinking you've gone into labour. When you actual do go into labour, ignore thinking it is an attack and have the child suddenly pop out on the living room couch), abdominal and muscle pain (sound familiar?), etc…

Are there any cures? No. It's a genetic mutation. My best bet is having my genes replaced. Get on it, Dr. Seuss.

Questions? No? Good.

Eureka, MD, at your service.