Cast and Crew

There is a tendency on this blog to assume that everyone knows what and who I am talking about because I am probably the only person who ever reads it. But I also know that assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. So, in the event that someone other than my three and a half alter egos ever stumbles across this, here is a brief introduction to the people who frequent the entries. Obviously, these are all nicknames. I very much doubt my parents could have been creative or clairvoyant enough to name my brother Space Cadet, regardless of how hard I lobbied for it.

The Broody Bunch (Although the email group is now defunct, the Broody Bunch continue to be good friends)

Update: Male & Female J have since moved away, never to be heard from again. Fruitcake has been reduced to Rastafaria. They have been removed from Cast & Crew.

These are the people who will probably appear most often because they camp out at my front door. They are my paparazzi because I’m the shit like that. We have a little email group going to keep our work days a little less sane and a little more stupid. If the Broody Bunch is having an especially funny day, I will post some of the exchanges. They are:

Roonies, who is my best friend. We are the female, Egyptian version of the odd couple because we constantly bicker, but will kill you if you look at the other even slightly wrong. Tom and Jerry kind of thing. We get along because we are the only people who get each other. Meaning we’re both equally mental.

Nesticleez is Roonies’ other best friend. Nesticleez is hilarious and very good natured. Just don’t get on her bad side because she can be pretty fierce. I’d put my money on her in a fight with Chuck Norris. She’s roundhouse his ass all the way to Pluto and back. Chuck Norris’ fists are named Nes and ticleez as homage to his idol.

Bubba is my publishing and MSN/Google Talk buddy. I think the last time we saw each other was something like May 2007, but we reduce each other to crumpled blobs of laughing centipedes every day. Because we are both bored, both work losers, and share a sense of humour.

Spaz is what I want to be when I grow up. Spaz is so smart it scares the crap out of me. Seriously. My knees bang together and my pupils dilate every time Spaz sends an email. Because I know my life will change as the contents of that email will cause the heavens to part and God’s booming voice will be heard saying “Once again, I stand corrected. All hail Spaz for educating the Lord."

O the friendliest and funniest person in the world. If you don’t meet O before you die, you’ll have missed out on one of the best things this Earth has to offer. It is so decreed by Eureka.

Awatchif Baby Kangaroo is what we loving refer to as a lesbian sandwich (sandawitch lazbana). He is pro-women to the extreme and has travelled the world. He’s also the most well-read and deepest thinker in the world. Ask him anything and he’s already written six dissertations on it. Including that. And yes, that too. Don’t even bother trying to prove me wrong. Awatchif is my teddy bear, so hands off. You may not borrow him.

The Other Core Friends

Tinkerbell and my friendship is a bit of a strange phenomenon. We've known each other since we were 8. She was a year younger at school. We were friendly but not friends. She moved to Paris at 14/15, soon after which we became very, very close. It's funny how in some instances distance serves to cool relationships, and serves as a catalyst for others. She is my rock, my trend-sniffing icon, my Euro-pal, and more than I deserve.

Cheb Khaled is the Jinx Malloy of my friends (thankfully, I am immune. Like Lucky Penny but without having to date him). His string of perpetual bad luck since graduation has made him grouchy and gloomy but he is otherwise a great friend who consistently manages to drag me away from my laptop. This is because we share a love for boring outings like movies, driving around aimlessly while I yell at him for his stupidity and shisha. This is also because I am the only friend he has left. I don't know who that reflects more poorly on, him or me.

Mrs. Fallon is one of those people you wish could be cloned and distributed all over the world to show the rest of Gaya's pitiful populace how people should ideally act and treat one another. She continues to be my friend regardless of my numerous and lengthy disappearences and never forgets to feed me.

The Place Where We Pretend to be Respectable

The Boys are the five main young men I work with. It is much easier to refer to them as the boys. I won't say much about them as they are each the most unique characters in the world. I have no idea how the company managed to hire such an eclectic and eccentric group. Maybe it's a secret hiring policy. HR even have a nickname for us. Apparently, we're "shabab el pub" (The Pub Kids). They are:

Twin 1 (T1) and Twin 2 (T2) fraternal twins, The Swede, Bashful, and Mile-a-minute. The Swede, T1 and T2 have all moved on to greener pastures and have been replaced by a young woman we shall refer to as Little Ivy.

Legal are the other four that comprise the work group. They are Babar, Duckie, Hot Head, and Minnie. Hot Head has also left and has been replaced by a young woman who we shall refer to as Parallel Universe.

The Home Front

Space Cadet is the 2008-2010 Junior Golf Champ. If Tiger Woods could swing a golf club at 14 the way my brother can, he’d have won a lot more, a lot sooner. Tiger, come learn something here. You could use it. Space Cadet’s only fault is his inhuman ability to completely ignore the matter between his eyes and expect all thinking to be done for him. This is the result of being babied by my mother for much too long. Boy needs to be sent to boot camp for a summer to get some common sense knocked into him. He is the real-life version of Big Moose, as kind and soft as a puppy but as brainless as my left boot. But unlike Big Moose, this is because my brother refuses to use his brain.

Bloft is not a normal human being. Bloft holds the distinct honour – if you can call it that – of having spawned the devil himself. Yes, she is Satan’s mother. Satan could only have learnt his tricks from her. She is the only person who he is afraid of. If there is one thing you should follow Satan on, it is to fear my sister.However, if you are lucky enough to happen across her on a good moment, she is wittier and more entertaining than every show you've ever loved.

Mummy and Daddy are awesome. Everyone who has ever met them have declared them a MILF and FILF, respectively. Too bad neither thought to toss some of those genes my way.

Dixie and Daisy, my beloved breasts.

Empire of Hendika

This is the lone surviving thought from four years of International Law. Kindly refer to the Imperial Dictionary for details.

Guest Appearances

Tooth is one of my first friends and honorary brother. He is the man with the master plan and a womanizer. He’s also brilliant. Expect great things from him in the near future. Like the first beer holding, woman groping, toilet paper dispensing magic stick.

Sunshine is the most beautiful girl in the world. If I ever decide to play for the home team she’d be the only woman I’d want to procreate with.

Doolittle shares my morbid literary leanings. We became friends in Lit class and share a love for hating everyone. We know we are above all humans but half-heartedly consent to lower ourselves to their level. But really, we should be ruling the planet with everyone apart from our friends and family being our slaves.

Miles Davis Undertaker is the intern we had from May to July 2008. We became friends through his cousin the year before and he magically appeared on the desk next to mine one morning. 'Tis a tiny world indeed.

[Updated: 18th March, 2010]