Indifference, apathy, pococurantism, dispassion, complacency. Such words, rather the state of mind they describe, sadden me. It is the state of mind wherein a certain funk has enveloped your life, steering you into a concrete routine from which you cannot break free. And from which you do not desire to break free.
It is an excuse not to enjoy the gifts life offers; an escape from the inevitable moments when one is forced to acknowledge, to accept, and to deal with the face that yes, you alive, you will be faced with circumstances beyond your immediate control. Such a state of mind does not allow for change, doesn't welcome challenge. It shuns life and its malcontents. It delivers the perfect method to circumvent any and all possible affronts, difficulties, or mere moments of living that life may present.
It saddens me further that I have fallen into this mindset. I have fallen into an apathetic routine in which I no longer allow for diversion from a strict, and admittedly boring, lifestyle.
I can no longer differentiate days. The passage of time no longer registers. I get up in the morning, go to work, barely realize that the requisite 8 or so hours have fluttered by, wasted on living vicariously through stories, adventures, news clips and generally anything I read when not researching chemical poo or the companies that make it. I then go home, reading a novel and listening to music all the way, say hello to my family, switch on my laptop, and continue to live vicariously through the fictional lives of my shows. I then crawl into bed, imagining a life within any of the worlds I'd encompassed myself with throughout the day.
Why? Why am I happier in my head than in my actual life? Why do I rarely resist the temptation to fall by the wayside? My days are all the same. My days no longer matter. Even as I type this, I am merely waiting until it is time to get into the car and head to Zamalek, where yet another night will be wasted at the same nightspot, followed by a short(ish) drive to the only club in Cairo still sort of worth going to, followed by another episode of whatever show I haven't caught up on and another Friday morning with breakfast and my laptop in bed.
When does this change? How does it change? Where do I go from here?
14 years ago
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2 comments:
If I may ask, I'm really curious as to how you overcame this state. I skipped a few posts ahead and there doesn't seem to be any follow up. I slip into this state every few months and there doesn't seem to be any way of conquering it. I just sit and wait for it to go away, which strikes me as rather ironic...
PS. You've got mail.
I think everyone goes through these phases every once in a while. I know I do. Over time you learn to not let them get to you because they'll pass.
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