Eureka v. Egyptian

All rise, Honourable Justice Etiquette presiding.

Thank you, you may be seated.

Case No. 3983/2007-B, Plaintiff Eureka is suing Defendant Egyptian for psychological and emotional distress, lost income, and punitive damages caused by Egyptian's disruption of Eureka's day-to-day life.

Your Honour, I shall not bore you with the usual introductory appeals to your empathy. I shall merely list Egyptian's transgressions, from which you will certainly understand my distress.

Having lived with and around Egyptian for the majority of my life, I have had to endure:

1) Abhorrent disregard of Egyptian's surroundings, whereby he finds it acceptable to dispose of phlegm, gum, urine, faeces, vomit, and other such excrements and/or trash on the pavement I am thus habitually forced to endure soiled shoes and trouser bottoms, nausea, and visual and environmental pollution.

2) Deafening noise pollution. Egyptian has consistently and unapologetically engaged in the use of his outdoor voice, indoors. This has hindered my concentration, thus resulting in the loss of valuable working hours, thereby resulting in lost income. It has further led to damage to my auditory system, causing physical and emotional distress due to skyrocketing medical and psychological bills.

3) Complete flout of the fundamentals of personal hygiene, thereby forcing me to endure the sickening mélange of sweat and cheap perfume.

4) Egyptian finds it acceptable to publicly scratch, expose, or pleasure his male member in my and other women's presence, causing irreparable emotional and psychological damage and assault.

5) Egyptian persistently displays condescension of any and all education, refusing to read anything while assuming he knows everything. Thus, he insists on disseminating false information, directions, and the like, with complete indifference to the consequences of this misinformation, thus resulting in my wasting countless hours lost in Maadi, Mohandesin, and other incomprehensible areas of Cairo.

6) Egyptian finds it unnecessary to consider those around him when eating, thereby forcing me to endure his loud, open-mouthed chewing, his dripping of food all over his shirt, his smacking, and spitting out food when he speaks. He also insists on placing his fork, knife, and glass on the wrong sides of his plate, and using his wine glass as his water glass. This has forced me to leave many a meal uneaten due to exasperation and disgust, leading to malnutrition, and economic difficulties due to meals paid for while unenjoyed.

7) Egyptian is convinced of a deep-rooted Zionist conspiracy against him, where the smallest problem, like lack of parking in Cairo, is Israel's fault, and part of Israel's plan to destroy Egypt. This has created innumerable headaches for me because of my need to bang my head against a brick wall to numb the exasperation felt by such nonsense.

8) Egyptian assumes the West is a perverted hedonistic culture, when he is the exact same way, but feebly attempts to hide it by claiming that issues such as the influence of Western clothing in Egypt is an attack on Egyptian civilization and culture, while really he finds it necessary to take said clothing in Egypt at face value, requiring the most fashionable Western designers available to dress him. This has once again caused me to bang my head against Valentino's boutique wall, forcing me to pay for the hole caused by said action, and thus causing me physical, psychological, and monetary harm.

9) Egyptian insists that he descendant and son of the land of civilization, where the Ancient Egyptians were the first and best doctors, scribes, lawyers, politicians, rulers, architects, engineers, blah, blah, blah… While remaining in this dream world of his past, Egyptian has managed to render his country in complete backwardness and disarray. This has caused me irrevocable harm, as it has hindered and reduced my quality of life in Egypt.

10) Finally, your Honour, Egyptian is just plain annoying, aggravating, and asinine, and I should not be forced to deal with him on a daily basis.

Judge Etiquette looks at Eureka, and then looks at Egyptian, who is busy using his pinky finger's elongated nail to pick wax out of his ear, while playing with his toes, with his shoes emanating an awful stench.

Judge Etiquette rules in favour of Eureka, and sentences Egyptian to life in etiquette class.

I only wish it were that simple.