Insolent Bodily Systems

I believe I am perfectly within my rights as a principled, courteous, thoughtful, and engaging member of the human race to expect my body to do as it is told.

Granted, as with even the most dependable of machines, my body will sometimes break down or need a little rest, but I believe I am perfectly reasonable in expecting reliable performance the majority of my time on this generally lovely place we call Earth.

However, seeing as I am of those accursed individuals suffering under our Almighty Lord's incorrigible and inexplicable humour, I have had no such luck.

I began life as a healthy baby who, as the entire family's firstborn, was pampered, lavished with toys and attention, and essentially spoiled rotten. But soon enough, it became evident that I would be destined to live with this enormous chip on my shoulder, because seriously, this is getting on my last nerve.

I was born with what must be the world's most irresponsible immune system because in my short years, I have probably had just about every non-tropical disease or condition known to man, have had every removable organ removed, and been on more pills on a daily, long-term basis (I average 8-10 a day) than the sickest 90-year-old.

I am the reason you should invest all your money in Pfizer.

I won't bore you with my endless list of problems, but I will indulge my deep desire to complain about one of my less threatening but more annoying issues.

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the bane of my existence, Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Otherwise known as:

Irrefutably Bitchy Stomach,
Impossibly Bleak Soul-snatcher,
Innocuous Bedan Shitfest, and
I Beg Shooting, among others.

I'm usually pretty good about it. I don't complain endlessly. Instead, I take pride in sucking it up and taking it like a stoic prisoner who is never going to break.

But when I really can't eat ANYTHING anymore without getting violently ill and being paralyzed with pain (and BELIEVE ME, I have a HIGH threshold for pain), then someone needs to start answering some questions.

I really just want to be able to chew without fear. Is that so much to ask?