Shit Really Does Attract Flies

If I'm the Chairman of a sizable chemical poo factory, one would expect me to be familiar with the minimal etiquette and decorum requirements of meetings, networking events, conferences - any occasion where I am a public ambassador of my company and myself.

Apparently, this is not the case with Egyptian Chairmen. At least, the 300 or so at today's (through Thursday) Arab Fertilizer Association's 14th Annual Fertilizer Conference. The conference hosts a multitude of distinguished speakers, all of whom are experts in their fields, have held important positions at multi-nationals, UN branches, the International Fertilizer Association, and the European Manufacturers Association, just to name a few. These are high powered men with years of experience and seven Ph.D's each. Do they not deserve a respectful audience?

The Egyptians didn't seem to think so. Aside from the expected Egyptian lateness, people just would not shut up. From 10 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. every single speaker had to stoically endure the incessant rumble of at least a quarter of the audience stage whispering. Yes, not the quiet whispers of people comparing notes or asking their neighbour for a pen, but full out conversations about their latest family trip to Dubai, their new car, their heart conditions, and the inevitable ass-kissing that every Egyptian feels the need to dole out in very generous and overstated doses.

The speakers did not just have to ignore audience inattentiveness, they also had to bear the tone deaf symphony of mobile phone ring tones. The concept of silence, switch off, or set to vibrate does not seem to be one the Egyptian mind can wrap itself around. Silencing is to set the ring tone to Beethoven's 5th. Switching off is to set it to an electronic frantic telephone ringing sound. Setting to vibrate - oh God forbid that happen - is to expose the audience to the wondrous world of Arab pop, like Amr Diab or Nancy Agram, or to 90's hits such as Celine Dion's "My Heat Will Go On" or Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca", or the best one of the afternoon: Enrique Iglesias' "Hero."

I am dead serious. I couldn't make this shit up. Egyptian men in their 50's. What else was I expecting?

I counted 24 phones going off between 10-11 and 12-2:30. 24 times in 3.5 hours. That's a phone going off every 10 minutes. I applaud today's speakers. I couldn't have put up with that kind of disrespect.

To top it all off, not only do these phones ring, and ring loudly, but these inconsiderate men who are completely oblivious to the people around them have the irritating tendency to peer at their phone screen for a good 30 seconds, deciding if this person is worth answering or not. No, they do not push the silence button to relieve those around them while they decide, they leave it ringing until the person calling gives up. OR, they answer the call in the middle of the damn conference. In an outdoor voice. "Beece be ubon you my friend". "I am at za conference." "Yees, eet iz today." "I will meet you in an hour." "How iz your wife? And son? And breety girl?" And this goes on. Complete and utter lack of awareness. Terrible.

And those poor men who obviously spent a significant amount of time preparing their presentations and speeches, researching, travelling all the way here and putting up with all the hassle that comes with a visit to Egypt. What do they get in return for their trouble? A rude, inconsiderate, ignorant, and selfish audience who did not even bother to pay the slightest bit of attention. No wonder Egypt is stuck in the Third World. We don't even deserve that title.

My 15-year-old Junior Model UN delegates understand and implement the concept of conference decorum perfectly. Teenagers who would probably much rather be spending their time sneaking drinks at friends' houses. They act like perfect little diplomats. So why can't a man who has probably attended scores of conferences and meetings throughout his career extend the most minimal of expected courtesy to those bothering to inform him of his own industry's performance? Of the future of his job and livelihood?

I'm so stealing the podium tomorrow. Then I'll give them a crash course in decorum. The Korsi will strike once more.