I WANT!

Seeing as I am in a self-centred, childish, and wholly materialistic mood on this fine Sunday evening (meaning I feel like shopping and my next flight out of here isn't for another month at the very least), here is my current list of impossible things I ardently desire.

1) I want to BE Meryl Streep. I am not satisfied with being anything less than on par with that kind of talent, intelligence, wisdom, and iconic status. Move over Meryl and allow me to take over your body, mind, and soul.

2) I want a huge library in my house. It will be the biggest room in the house. With infinitely high ceilings covered wall to wall with mahogany bookshelves, stocked to the brim with books on everything in the world, and those huge ladders with wheels to reach the top, and a fireplace with comfortable sofas to sit on, and a beautiful desk, and Prince Charming who of course paid for it all serving me hot chocolate and cookies, while I was lost in literary heaven. I'd live in just that room. No need for a house.

3) I want to meet a man who appreciates the beauty of the English language and the importance of using your vocabulary, so he'd understand why I can fawn over a sentence. Why is that so hard to understand?

4) I want Egyptians to pronounce my name correctly. My name has been distorted and mutilated beyond repair or recognition because people cannot seem to pronounce certain vowel sounds, turning a perfectly good name into a string of elongated E and A sounds that resemble a kindergarten sing-along.

5) I want to take the international publication industry by storm with the greatest of ease… using my flying trapeze. I’d love to wake up one morning to find myself in NYC and editor-in-chief of some glamorous and intellectual monthly, where I am revered and idolized by all and sundry. Megalomania is fun, you should all try it.

6) I want Haagen Dazs to grace my freezer with its presence. I especially want their chocolate ice cream to set up permanent residence in my mouth and stomach.

7) I want a certain three letter unmentionable (as it is a taboo in Egypt and is considered a topic unfit for respectable ladies like myself) that shall remain unmentioned. Said unmentionable pops into my head approximately once every three seconds (which is probably akin to the average teenage boy) and really should be at the top of my list. I’m hiding it here in the vain hope that it goes unnoticed. Because it is an unmentionable. And shall continue to remain unmentioned.

8) I want an iPhone. One that actually works here without the hassle of having it unbricked every time I plug it into iTunes because Apple hasn’t sent any properly working ones to Egypt yet.

9) I want to be able to teleport. Saves on gas, saves time, decreases traffic, and generally makes my life a lot easier.

10) Most importantly, I want to exchange my current DNA for a set without mutated pyrin variants A726 and L479. In plain English, I want those geniuses busy cloning sheep and discussing the merits of human cloning to focus on using their knowledge of the human genome to actually cure stupid disorders like Familial Mediterranean Fever and other more deadly but definitely less annoying diseases. Get on it!